I was one of those kids that went to church for the food. Around 5th grade, I started to really listen, and began to consider what the whole meaning was about being a Christian. I would frequently ask the pastors questions, and would just talk the talk, but never truly walked the walk.
I was living a double life, swearing, complaining about everything while being completely self-righteous. To be honest, I think I was a walking example of the lukewarm Christians that was brought up in Revelations 3:16.
My grandfather died two years later, after losing his battle to cancer. He was a heavy smoker in his younger days, and it really hurt him later on. Despite going through chemotherapy, and even a surgery, he passed away one night in September of 2012. I was in 7th grade at the time, and this really affected me.
I became depressed, and was one of the most unpleasant people you could ever be around. I was angry and upset that I wasn't able to say goodbye to my grandfather , nor did I know him very well. I only got to see him maybe twice a year, and our conversations rarely got past school. I was angry that he had to suffer for all those years, without getting better. "Where was God in all of this?" I would wonder. I cried myself to sleep some nights, just wondering where my grandfather was. He wasn't a Christian, or religious at all for the matter. I remember dreaming that I saw him in hell one night, and it truly rattled me. I desperately wanted to know where my grandfather was, and where I would end up if I were to die.
This was also the year I discovered pornography. I was watching it every week, shamelessly. I felt like I had to watch it, in order to relax and feel good. I craved it, like a drug. Of course, I knew that I wasn't supposed to be going on sites like these, but I still did, anyway.
My relationship with my mother, (who was a teacher at the Middle School I went to) was also at rock-bottom. We would be fighting over the smallest things, and I always wanted to get away from her. Aside from just fighting with her, I would constantly butt heads with my other classmates, and teachers. People knew me as that one guy that everyone loved to hate. I had only one friend, and both of us were the outcasts of our entire class. I would start trouble with others, say some of the most disgusting, obscene things about some of the girls in my class, and was known for my porn problem. I was regarded as a pervert, and a simply crazy, irrational and angry person. Nobody could stand me, and I was constantly bullied for my terrible behavior.
Needless to say, I lost my faith. I would go to church every Sunday, and it was just like old times. Never paid attention to the pastor, and viewed it as a chore. Whenever people would say things like, "God said..." Or, "The Lord told me..," I simply could not believe it. I couldn't hear him, nor could I experience Him like everyone else did. The belief that God was a personal one seemed impossible, and I honestly had a hard time believing He even existed. I never told anyone about my true beliefs, and still called myself a Christian, but it had no meaning to me whatsoever.
Halfway through the year, my mom showed me a small brochure from my church: a youth ministry. Of course, I declined. I had no interest in going to church again, and refused to go. But my mom was adamant, and ended up dragging me there anyway. (Thank God).
Although I didn't take it seriously at first, it really got me thinking. I was learning about the bible in a kid friendly way, and everything made sense. I'd look at the other Christian kids, and would say to myself, "I want to be like that!" After a couple months or so, we had our own little camp, and I accepted Jesus into my life, again.
The change wasn't immediate, I still was addicted to porn and would still say some pretty nasty stuff to others, but I was at least conscious of what I was saying. I would feel really bad whenever I'd watch porn, and I'd usually apologize whenever I said something mean. This new youth ministry felt like another home to me, and I'd start evangelizing to others, (but not successfully.) I'd come a long way, and knew that I had to turn around and repent.
My mother found out through a friend about a social skills group, a place where I could learn to control my anger, and develop my social life. I still go, to this day. Through the help of my counselors and God changing my heart, I no longer lash out at others, or say such terrible things to others anymore, something I was famous for.
I still struggle with lust and pornography, though. It's an everyday struggle, and I'm still not perfect. Your prayers would be highly appreciated, as I know that this habit must be stopped. Although it's very hard, I know that God will set me free from this, and that I will pull through, no matter the odds. For all is possible if we trust in God. If He could get rid of my wrath and anger, He can certainly break the chains of my porn addiction. If I seek, I shall find. If He tells me come, I will carry my cross and follow him.
I know that I'm saved, but not perfect. There is always room to improve, Christianity is not simply fire insurance nor is it a smooth sailing ride to heaven. Though the storms of life will hit, I know that it will all pan out in the end, and ultimately, everything is in God's timing. We live a Christ-centered life, not a self-centered life.
